Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

The fall of Netflix

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.