[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
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ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
😂😂
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Bruh
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces