[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.