presenting your incognito window wrapped
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
can’t catch a break
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”