presenting your incognito window wrapped
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
