presenting your incognito window wrapped
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Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
three things we don’t talk about
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Sending in my taxes
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.