[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
🔥🔥
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.