Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.