Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not