Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment