Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
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I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Holy moly
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Lmao
