Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie