Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Trying

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.