Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Seek kebab; not attention

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

an octopus is just a wet spider

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

That’s commitment

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP