President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
When ur friends with white people
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect