“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.
“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Mmmmm white people
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading