@aka_fatman

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

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@BoogTweets

“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)

@TragicAllyHere

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

@Bob_Lesh

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

@Reverend_Scott

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

@JediGigi

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

@ramblinma

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

@ellewasamistake

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading