President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
every olympics i turn into this guy
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?