PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.