Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.