PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark