President The Rock Obama
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Morning all.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤