President The Rock Obama
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I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”