Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Can’t. Being lazy.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.