Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

all bases covered

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Writing, She Murdered.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

A new level of troll.