Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

#ParentingFacts

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.