Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive