presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Bootstraps
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade