@TheMichaelRock

Presidents Day was created by big corporations to get you to buy more presidents.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

@LizHackett

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

@AlisonLeiby

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

@kateegrayy

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

@Skoog

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

@LostFelicia

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

@sonictyrant

ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again