LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Presidents Day was created by big corporations to get you to buy more presidents.
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Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again