homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
when nothing goes right… go left
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is