Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

The old gods are rising again.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.