Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

💀💀💀💀

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.