Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
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And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
“Worm Regards”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..