Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”