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I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Watson was Holmes schooled
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
A ghost story
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN