Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it