Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

CRYING

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

When libraries troll their patrons.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Lol #dogsoftwitter

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.