Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.