[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!