[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
The news in a nutshell.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him