*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
