“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*