“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Follow me for more recipes
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*