Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

I see your IQ test came back negative

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Don’t we all.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras