Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Traveler’s camo

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten