Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage