*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
That’s classic.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”