*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Am getting real tired of your crap…
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!