Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

Death certificates are our last participation award.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.