Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Just got to our Airbnb!

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?