[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Tuesday
