[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
You Might Also Like
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.