*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
When I snag the last meatball.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking