*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
marvel comics have peaked
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Tuesday
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?