*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.