Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

Holy moly

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?