Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.