Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

this site is so cooked lol

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?