Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol