*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
You Might Also Like
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The opposite of goth is stopth.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics