Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Bring back the McRib

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Don’t frighten the programmers!

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”