Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

Children of the Corn Man

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”