*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
You Might Also Like
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
hear me out : pockets for your socks