Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
No, you’re not getting it your honor
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*