Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“You’d better run, egg!”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.