Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them