Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck