Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.