Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Y’all ready for this
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body