Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.